Parenting Tips
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A Work in Progress
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How you view your children and what you think about discipline can help you stay calm and use healthy routines when things get tough. Imagine a car dealership where a man named Martin works in the showroom. Martin sells cars to prospective customers. If he sees a car without a door, he's surprised and upset. He doesn't expect to see defects. Cars in the showroom are supposed to be finished.
Bill, on the other hand, works in the factory and inspects cars for flaws and missing parts. It's his job to find problems and fix them. In fact, Bill is prepared with a number of routines depending on the nature of the problem. If a door is missing, Bill doesn't get upset; he just goes through his routine of obtaining a door and putting it on.
Bill knows that when a car is on the production line it requires continual work. Doors are added, pieces are put together, and workers are continually looking for ways to improve the product.
Viewing your children as works in progress instead of as finished products can help you respond to them without harshness or frustration. Like Bill, you can view problems as opportunities. Misbehavior and relational struggles are indicators of where your child needs help to grow and mature.
Parents ate often frustrated by the cintinual need for correction and the endless number to mistakes that children are on the production line instead of in the showroom, your expectations will lead you to solutions instead of to anger.
Paul knew that his readers were a work in progress when he said in Philippians 1:6 " he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." God is also at work in your children and sometimes it takes time to see progress. |
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Anger is Good
resource type: info
Parents get angry, but anger isn't always bad. In fact, parents often get angry when children are doing something wrong. Its best to view anger as a flag, created by God, that says, "Something is wrong here." The something wrong may be an unrealistic expectation on the parent's part, but it's often a problem in the child that needs attention. Disobedience, selfishness, arguing, and bickering are just a few of the things that make parents angry. Anger can be a tool to point out problems in life.
The danger comes when parents use anger to solve problems. That's when people get hurt, relationships become strained, and distance is the inevitable result. It's one thing to see those muddy shoes on the floor. It's yet another thing to start yelling at your son.
We say that anger is good for identifying problems but not good for solving them. That's the conclusion we've come to after looking at several bible passages related to anger. James 1:19-20 and Ephesians 4:26-31, for example, show two sides of anger. On the one hand they warn strongly against it, but on the other hand, anger isn't prohibited but is limited.
So the next time you feel angry, stop for a moment, thank the Lord for revealing a problem, try to figure out what it is, and then go back into the situation with a constructive plan for solving it. this will take practice but children provide many opportunities to develop more Godly patterns in anger management. This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can read to Your kids by Dr. Scott Turansky ans Joanne Miller, RN, BSN
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Look for Ways to Make Discipline Positive
resource type: info
You may be saying, "Yes, I know discipline is supposed to be positive but how can I be positive when my kids are doing the wrong thing. "Here are two practical ways you can make your discipline time a positive experience.
One way is to state rules and requests in positive terms. Instead of saying, Don't shout, "you might say, "We talk quietly in the store. "Stop being rough with the dog," you might say, "Be gentle." Instead of complaining about the clothes all over your four-year old daughter's room, you could say, "Remember, we put our clothes in the hamper when we take them off."
It may take some work, but clearly stating or restating the rule in positive terms gives your child a clear picture of what you expect and keeps your interaction on positive note. Give gentle, positive reminders to point your kids in the right direction.
A second way to be positive is to give children choices. Instead of saying, "Stop banging that drum," you could say, "You may play that drum outside or in your room." Or, "I've already said no to getting out the train set. You can either choose another activity or go outside to play for while." By keeping discipline positive you are training and teaching. Choices helps children move in a more constructive direction.
Ephesians 6:4 says, Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."
The first part of the verse describes a negative way of relating to children. Exasperate gives the impression of being harsh and causing discouragement. In place of that negative response, fathers are instructed to do something positive, bring their children up in the training and instruction of the Lord. As parents, we don't want to discipline our kids to merely get rid of negative behaviors. The purpose of discipline is to train children and show them the positive direction they are to go.
For more practical ideas for working with your kids, consider the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to your Kids Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN
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Stop Anger When it Starts
resource type: info
The child who is getting frustrated with a puzzle or struggling with a friend needs to learn to deal with the building energy inside before exploding. We encourage children and parents to learn to stop. The size of the "stop" depends on the intensity of the anger. Sometimes the stop means engaging in activity or leaving the situation. Other times its just means pausing for a moment and taking a deep breath. The child needs to recognize that frustration is present and anger is building. Stopping is helpful whether the child is just becoming frustrated, or is already quite angry. This step is especially important for the child who is enraged. Rage is anger that controls you no matter how well you conceal it. The primary way to tell that children are enraged is that they can no longer think ration ally and their anger is now controlling them. they have lost control.
The solution to rage is always to stop. When a child is enraged you might say" You are too angry to talk about this right now. Spend some time alone. Come back when you can tell me in a calm voice why you're angry and we'll continue to talk about it." One sign that the child is ready to address the issue again is that he or she will be able to put anger into words and talk about the problem rationally.
Whatever you do, don't jump into the battle with your kids. When they are angry, children look for ways to draw you into a fight. Avoid it. it's not productive and escalates the problem. Rather learn how to stop and teach your kids to do the same. By slowing down the process you'll see a greater ability to interact with your kids without the complications that anger brings.
This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvements: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN |
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The Heart is Where We Feel Close
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As parents, we long to connect with our children in meaningful ways and those connections often provide teaching opportunities. When children are young, those special moments happen regularly, even daily. You read a book to your four-year-old, he leans on your arm, and you cherish the time of closeness. You correct your six-year-old, and he cries that repentant cry and wants a hug-and tears come to your eyes, too, because you know you've connected with his heart.
The closeness you and your children feel is a function of the heart. In Acts 4:32 we read the early disciples "were one in heart and mind," a statement of their unity. The heart is where we build the close relationships that help us to teach our kids in ways that will have a lasting impact. Closeness allows us to work with our children rather than against them as they develop the valuable charactor qualities they need to succeed in life.
These special moments of heart connection also happen with older children, but, in many families, they come less often. A fourteen-year-old gets a positive school report, giving her dad an opportunity to affirm her hard work. Her smile confirms he made the heart connection he'd hoped for.
Be on the lookout for opportunities to connect with your kids on a heart level, affirming their successes and sympathizing with their losses. The relationships you build with your children now are an essential foundation for helping them to grow in the future. In those moments of closeness you may have an opportunity for a significant conversation or you may simply want to enjoy the heart connection.
This parenting tip is from the book Home Improvement: The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN
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View Disobedience as Danger
resource type: info
Not too long ago we were teaching a parenting seminar in Arizona in a local hotel. Just before it started the pastor was in a panic because he couldn't find his toddler. He ran to the swimming pool, checked the parking lot and looked around the building before coming back inside to find her asleep on a friend's lap. what relief! When you see your child in imminent danger, then you're motivated to do something about it. You wouldn't say, "I'll finish talking to this person and then go out and get her." No, you know the danger and you respond. In the same way, allowing children to get away with misbehavior is dangerous to their future and to their character. Our children are in danger when we let them continue to disobey or continue to act foolishly or irresponsibly. When we begin to see the danger our children are in, we are more likely to respond to them. We need to see our disciplining of them as rescuing them from danger.
We hear about strong-willed children. Those are children who are hard to work with because of their determination. They have a persistence that tests any parent's desire for cooperation. What we need is to be strong-willed parents, not in a bad sense of being stubborn or obstinate, but parents who are determined to hang in there in the midst of the struggle.
Recognize the danger of disobedience and take firm action. You will rescue your child from many of the pitfalls of life.
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